I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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