That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
