If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
