apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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