remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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