Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.