Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.