how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
