I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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