I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
