You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
