I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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