sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
