I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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