"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
