I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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