Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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