oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
