I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
