You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
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Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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