I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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