Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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