I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
