the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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