So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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