i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
