So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
