I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it's like iHOP with fire
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
