You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
