You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
