She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize