My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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