you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
