Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Let's get the cat blown out
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
