that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So apparently I’m into choking now
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