forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
