Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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