My liver just broke up with me...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
