my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
