I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
