I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
