For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
