Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
