i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
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There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
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