I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
