i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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