I wish my penis had an off switch
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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