I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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