You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
