I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
