I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
