I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
