After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
