Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
