life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
