Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
